The Kids Are Not Alright: Child Distress during Pandemic Shutdowns and How to Help
For some, it is all too easy to overlook the complex emotions of children – we take for granted their joyful exuberance and disregard their irrational fears. During these “unprecedented times,” adults feel the burdens of illness, financial hardship, home and work imbalance, changing plans, and more. For some of us, those burdens are highly distressing and completely overwhelming. We are experiencing a sense of grief not only for the loss of lives around us, but also for the loss of the life we thought we would be living right now.
Through the doom and gloom surrounding us, it is easy to think kids have it easy: they get to play and laugh, they aren’t responsible for financial burdens, balancing work and life, making new routines, or oftentimes even caring for themselves. But kids are actually experiencing many of the same strains we are: their routines are changing, their homes are different, they feel our stress (even if we aren’t taking it out on them), they’re afraid of getting sick, they’re missing out on social interactions, they miss their friends and extended families, and many don’t understand what is going on or when it will stop. None of us know when this is going to end or what the long-lasting changes will be when it does.
But seeing the impacts these thoughts are having on kids can be hard for adults – as we age, we get used to understanding the world through words. We forget what it is like to be young, to have much less control of our own lives, to have less experience with the world, and to have fewer words to use when expressing ourselves. Because children might not have the words yet, they often communicate stress and anxiety more non-verbally – and I don’t just mean they cry (which they certainly do).
Non-verbal signs of distress in young children:
Crying, tears, weepiness
Stomach pain, “tummy aches”
Head pain, headache
Muscle tension, visible rigidity or closure in body posture
Irritability, moodiness, or being easy to annoy
Physical aggression or being easy to anger
Nightmares, inability to sleep, excessive sleep, or lethargy
Either pushing parents or loved-ones away more than usual OR being extra needy with loved-ones’ attention
Unusual bladder or bowel movements: wetting the bed, refusing to relieve themself, regressing in potty training
Saying they feel “sick” when other symptoms of physical illness are not present
Less able to focus
Physical ticks, repetitive behaviors
Inability to sit still or be calm
Eating excessively or restricting their food consumption
Many of these signs of distress are really about changes in behavior; and for caregivers they can be both worrisome and frustrating. While emotional distress may not be coronavirus or cancer, it should NOT be brushed off as unimportant or left unresolved. A child that is in distress is not being bad or selfish, but rather they are likely frightened or not having their basic needs met. Basic needs include obvious things like quality food, clean water, and safe shelter; but maybe less obviously, needs also include social things like love, individual support, and intellectual stimulation.
During the pandemic shutdowns, lack of toilet paper, bread, pasta, rice, and milk have made even meeting basic food and safety needs more challenging. Our preoccupation with these fears and challenges, alongside social restrictions and health concerns, can make us push aside our other basic needs of love and support. As much as we are individuals, we are social beings, and we need to find the balance of that for ourselves and our children during these times of isolation. Both acute and prolonged emotional distress, especially in childhood, can have lifelong affects on both mental and physical wellbeing.
But there are things we can do right now to be sure the children in our lives are staying safe and still having all of their basic needs met.
Things you can do to help the children you love get through the shutdown:
Be well yourself: exercise, eat well, drink water, rest, breath, ask for help, find moments to relax and be present. This is ironically like being on an airplane: you must put on your own oxygen mask before helping others, because you are no help to them if you have passed out.
Be honest: Be gentle, but be true to the experiences of the world in the current times. Be careful not to overwhelm children with fear, but rather calmly explain facts that impact them, you, and other people they know. These conversations don’t need to be long, dramatic, or in-depth, but they also shouldn’t hide the reality of the world right now. Don’t pretend things are different than they really are. Use words and experiences your children understand, without demeaning the depth of their knowledge. Let them ask questions. Find out more information together if you don’t have all of the answers (and remind yourself that it’s okay not to have all of the answers).
Be open to children’s feelings: Communicate openly and with love. Be patient in supporting children while they find healthy ways to express themselves, and then help them navigate how to deal with what has been expressed.
Have a predictable routine: When will we eat, sleep, learn, play, create? Knowing these things allows children (and adults) to have expectations about what their lives will be like, and be better able to cope with other changes happening around them. This is especially important for children because they have such little control over their own lives already. Like Olaf says in Frozen II: “We call this controlling what you can when things feel out of control.” Having a routine means knowing what to expect and being able to prepare yourself for that expectation. It gives us a sense of direction and purpose.
Turn off your screen and turn towards your children: Right now what we need most is human connection, and our kids may need it even more than we do as adults. Show them that you think they are fun and entertaining, and that you can be present with them (without having to constantly be answering emails and spending time looking anywhere but into their adorable and uplifting faces). Be careful how often you are using television as a babysitter, and be even more careful how often you leave the doom-and-gloom (and not child appropriate) news on while your kids are around.
Learn new things together: Play new games, create new crafts, cook new meals, and do other fun new things together as a household (just because we are stuck at home doesn’t mean we can’t do new things within that home)!
Lean into favorite activities: Find safe ways to modify your usual traditions and activities – just because they can’t safely be done the same way as usual doesn’t mean that they can’t be done at all! Make new traditions!
Find safe ways to be social: This will mean different things for different people, for some it will just mean setting aside time for video chatting. For others, it could mean leaving notes and treats on one another’s doorsteps while out on a family bike ride. For others, it can even mean doing a fun activity outside with a few friends, staying a safe distance apart with masks on and talking, kicking a ball, or going for a hike.
Get your kids some really good books: Books have the ability to transport us to a time and place that is otherwise not accessible to us. They can help us see new perspectives, acknowledge our own feelings, and dream impossible dreams. They can be a starting point for amazing conversations between parents, educators, and children. If you want to talk with your children about what is continuing to happen in the ongoing coronavirus pandemic quarantines and shutdowns, try reading When the World Closed with them (you can read more about that book here)!
And lastly, be grateful for the good stuff. Yes, this is a time of hardship and change. We are facing new challenges that can be overwhelming for us all (including children). But there is beauty in it too, and we don’t have to downplay the bad stuff to see it. In a world that is usually so fast, we can finally slow down. We can be thankful for those things we sometimes take for granted. We can get to know our children’s thoughts and feelings more deeply as they school virtually and we work remotely beside them. We can make a new routine where an old one wasn’t established or wasn’t working effectively. We can think about where we really want to be spending our time in the future instead of just doing what we usually do out of habit. We can work to be present in the moment. We can let the good things be good things. And above everything else, we can remember to cherish each other.
Additional Resources:
https://www.apa.org/topics/stress-children?utm_source=linkedin&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=apa-stress&utm_content=stress-children
https://www.webmd.com/lung/news/20200515/quarantine-having-lasting-impacts-on-kids-health
https://www.apa.org/topics/talking-stress?utm_source=linkedin&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=apa-stress&utm_content=talking-children
https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/002059.htm
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/mental-illness-in-children/art-20046577
https://bold.expert/children-need-honest-information-rather-than-to-be-shielded-from-reality/
